Why Jason Manford is terrified of his creepy daughter… | Live At The Apollo – BBC

I’ve got two five-year-olds. They’re great. I’ve got this other
daughter. That’s what I call her. She’s… No, she’s magical,
she’s beautiful, she’s three years old,
she’s fabulous, but…she’s weird. And I know that seems harsh,
but she’ll never see this show. She’s weird. And people say to me,
“You can’t say that about your
own daughter,” but she’s weird. I mean verging on sinister. I’d go that far. She never cries,
I’ve never seen her cry. Everyone else thinks she’s
brilliant, “She never cries.” I’m like, “Yeah, don’t leave me
in the room with her.” LAUGHTER She’s just got a touch
of the Damiens about her. You know? She’s sinister. Sometimes I get
up in the middle of the night, she’s always awake at the end of the
landing, just staring out like that. “How long you been there,
sweetheart?” “A while.” Take this, one morning I went
running into her room, she’d had a nightmare. I went running into her
room and she was screaming and I gave her a big cuddle. I said,
“You all right, sweetheart?” As I pulled her away, she looked
past me into the darkness. I said, “What’s up?” She said, “Daddy! “The evil monkeys are behind you.” Any other kid you’d say,
“Don’t be silly, sweetheart,
that’s just a bad dream.” But with her, I looked. That’s me first response. LAUGHTER “Don’t do that, love,
don’t do that.” And the other two, they pick on her
sometimes, they pick on her! And they’re bigger than her,
but she wins. And kids have got some nasty
fighting techniques, haven’t they? Like the pinch and twist. You know
about the pinch and twist? They grab a bit of chubby leg
or arm and pinch it then twist it? Horrible! Even if two blokes were
fighting in a pub car park and one did that, you’d be, “Mate, that’s a
bit low, innit? He’d be like,
“Sorry, pal!” One of them came in, did this,
right? They did the pinch and twist on her
leg, pinched it, twisted it. This was the reaction.
She went, “Ah, oh!” And everyone else is like, “Oh, isn’t she great? She never
cries.” I’m like, “Yeah. “I think she might kill us
in our sleep one day.”

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